You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
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Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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