I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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