sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
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