What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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