That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Randomize
