im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
