last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
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Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
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She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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