do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
