I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
