Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
