Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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