so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
