i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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