Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
