wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
You left your phone here
Wait...
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
