I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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