A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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