k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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