apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
