i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Randomize
