I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
