oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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