I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
