If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
