He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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