grandma shit on top of the toilet
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
