3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
my phone needs a breathalizer
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Randomize
