I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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