I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
