its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
