I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
