I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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