I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Randomize
