Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
