Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
