i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
