6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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