im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
