The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
