Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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