fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
