his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
