I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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