omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
