In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
