the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
