i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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