when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
