My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
