not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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