oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
