I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
