So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
