i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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