I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
