Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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