You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
